Epic Mac and Cheese

To be epic with your mac and cheese, you will need at least:

13*9 glass Baking dish

6 qt Sauce pot (or larger)

1 hour of your life

*16oz Pasta (dry)

*3-4 cups Milk  + 2 sticks Butter + 1 tsp Salt

*1 tsp Dijon Mustard + 1 tsp Cayenne Pepper

*1 quart Half & Half + 1 stick Butter + 8 tsp Flour + 2 tsp Salt + 2 tsp Black Pepper

*5-6 cups Cheddar

*1.5-2 cups Bread Crumbs (seasoned)

Riffing on this recipe is good.  Eggs?  Might be nice.  More Flour?  Ok.  Weird Noodles?  Cool.  Bourbon BBQ Sauce?  Why Not.  Bacon?  Please.  Curry and Paprika?  Bring it on over.

To be epic with your mac and cheese, you will do something like this::

1. Preheat oven to 400°
2. Add Pasta, 3 cups Milk, 2 sticks Butter, 1 tsp Salt to Sauce pot.
1. Bring to simmer then turn to low
2. Cook 20-25 minutes, stirring frequently.
3. Add some or all of the last cup of Milk if pasta becomes too thick before at least al-dente
4. When pasta is done, stir in 1 tsp Dijon and 1 tsp Cayenne Pepper and set to side in a bowl and keep warm.  
1. The pasta will be fairly delish as-is at this point - it will seem to be in a very thick/tacky alfredo sauce
3. Butter a 13*9 glass baking dish
4. In the pot, melt 1 stick Butter.  Thoroughly whisk in 2 tsp Salt, 2 tsp Black Pepper, 8 tsp Flour, 1 quart Half & Half.
1. Bring to boil for 2 minutes
2. Reduce to low, stirring steadily, for 10 minutes
3. Stir in 4 cups Cheese.
5. Combine Pasta and Cheese Sauce in the Sauce pot
6. Spread out the mix in the glass Baking dish and spread evenly.
1. Cover completely with 1-2 cups of the remaining Cheddar.
2. Top with 1-2 cups of Bread Crumbs as needed to create a 95% solid layer.
7. Bake 20 minutes or until top is toasted golden-brown.
8. Enjoy
1. Try to let it cool first.
2. Try to save some for the people you invited over.

Epic Banana Pudding

Did you volunteer to bring dessert to the church potluck?  The fire department BBQ?  Your new neighborhood's Friendsgiving meal?  Sweet!  Are you ready to party?  Sweet!  You are going to make this insane dish that's basically the gloriously twisted spawn of cheese cake, creme brulee, pudding, flan, whip-its, liquid lunch, and the loving intimacy of nursing a farm animal.  Credits to Kraft Foods and Paula Deen for believing in the combination of Whipped Cream and Cream Cheese.  Credits to the man who first looked at a cow and thought “Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples”.

Legal Disclaimer: If you are allergic to dairy, continued reading of this recipe can cause a reaction. You will likely become so impassioned that you will eat the paper.  Which you shouldn't because that’s gross.  So stop reading.  If you are going to a party where a fellow guest is remotely dairy sensitive - get them uninvited so the rest of the guests can still appreciate this!

NOTE: In the event that you thinking about taking this to a party where the attendees are a little more "Lamborghini" than they are "Carhart" you need to pay attention to the last paragraph called "Highbrow".

How many does this serve?  ≈15 polite party goers, ≈7 teenage boys,  ≈1 pregnant woman.

Here's what you need to party:

A -variable speed- Stand Mixer with Paddles or a Hand Mixer with Whisks (and a bowl).  

Three Rubber Spatulas

13*9 Cake or Baking Pan/Dish (if you have one with a lid, use that one.)

9*9 Cake or Baking Pan/Dish (if you have one with a lid, use that one.)

A GINORMOUS Measuring Cup.  Or a normal one if you also have a large mixing bowl.

5-10 bananas - to taste

2 * 14oz  cans of sweetened condensed milk + 2 * 8oz packs cream cheese

4 cups of milk

3 * 3.4 oz boxes of french vanilla pudding

Two of the Big Tubs of Cool Whip 

Two boxes of Nilla Wafers.  You could probably get away with one.  But you need a snack, so get two.

Here's what you do to party:

1. Let the Cool Whip and Cream Cheese sit out for a while.  Get it out of the fridge, put it on the counter, then go binge watch some TV for a while.  You are ready to roll when the cream cheese is room temperature. 

2. Line or encrust the bottom of the two pans/dishes with Nilla Wafers or Wafer crumble.  
1. If you want to get all artisan, you can try Graham Cracker or Oreo crumbles.  
3. Slice the bananas and layer them uniformly across the bottom of at least the the 13*9 pan.
1. Dice or smash the bananas if you want.  It’s about the flavor.
2. The second pan/dish is for you to eat out of the day after the party - if you have bananas left after the main dish is endowed, use them in the second dish.  If not, no worries.  You’ll still have an awesome pudding dish to keep all to yourself.
4. Pour/spatula the cans of sweetened condensed milk into your mixer’s bowl.
1. Afterward, lick the spatula or swirl it in your coffee or both - you’ve got to spatula two cans.
2. Set the mixer to the lowest or second lowest speed.
3. Add the room temperature cream cheese by the tablespoon-full
1. Adjust the mixers speed until any clumps of cream cheese are as small or smaller than peppercorns or dippin’ dots.
1. (<3mm if you are metric-savvy)
2. Lick the Spatula.
1. Post a selfie of that on instagram.
3. Reset the mixer to the slowest setting - keep it stirring.
5. In your ginormous measuring cup or other mixing bowl, pour in the 4 cups of milk.
1. Whip out your whisk.
1. Just your whisk.
2. Nope, just your actual whisk.  For whisking.
2. Empty all your pudding mix into the milk.
3. Whisk the mix until there are no clumps of note.
1. Put your hand upon your whisk.  When I whisk, you whisk, we whisk.
1. Just your whisk.
2. Nope, just your actual whisk.  For whisking.
6. Use your second rubber spatula to slowly empty the pudding mix bowl into the stirring condensed milk/cream cheese mix.
1. Lick the Spatula.
1. Post a selfie of that on instagram, also.
7. Pause the stirring and lift or set aside the mixer.
8. Spoon one of the tubs of Cool Whip into the nearly-epic mix in the mixing bowl.
1. Do a quality-control taste test on the whipped cream.  Aaah.  Just like whipits but without the buzz.
2. Mix and/or stir the new meta-mixture until it’s uniform in color.
9. Pause the stirring and lift or set aside the mixer.
10. Spoon ½ of the second tub of Cool Whip into the meta-mix in the mixing bowl.
1. Again, do a quality-control taste test on the whipped cream.  Leave some in your mustache for later.
2. Again, mix and/or stir the meta-mixture until it’s uniform in color.
11. Using the third rubber spatula, pour the meta-mix into the larger pan/dish with the cookies and bananas.  
1. Level the surface with the spatula.
2. Put the lid on it and put it in the fridge.
12. With the same spatula, empty the extra meta-mixture into the other pan/dish.
1. Level the surface with the spatula.
2. Put the lid on it and put it in the fridge.
13. Lick the Spatula.
1. Do not take any photos of this moment.  
1. Your apparent pleasure may not be appropriate for public viewing
1. This is a moment for epic banana pudding eaters only.

Highbrow: It happens.  You come from decent folk who like cream of mushroom in their casseroles and prefer their vegetables fried.  But then you up and went off to college with a bunch of people who discuss their european ski vacations and poo-poo Dostoyevski as “too accessible”.  Now you’re going to a party where there will be tipsy conversations about monetary policy and reviews of Chinese language boarding-pre-schools in Darjeeling and Tangiers.
You have to step up your game. You will have to transition your party pudding from Epic to Highbrow.  Don’t worry.  It’s not too hard if you have a few more minutes and a few more bucks - which you do thanks to your ivy league degree in medieval poetry.

1. This is now, officially, a recipe that’s been handed down from your royal european ancestry and served to several specific lower dignitaries like ambassadors and inventors who credit it with assuaging war mongers during the Renaissance and providing a blueprint for the development of antimalarial drugs.
2. You MUST use a gorgeous trifle bowl instead of a cake pan.
1. Heirloom gets Extra Points
2. Cut glass or Crystal beat plain glass.
3. Organic everything.
1. Except the pudding.
1. But don’t mention that.
4. No Nilla Wafers.  That way it’s gluten free and Vegetarian.
1. Sorry if you’re vegan.  
5. Make your own whipped cream.  Here’s how:
1. First off, do this in between steps 7 and 8 of the main recipe.
2. You’ll need to use your biggest mixing bowl - like the one in which you whipped up the pudding mix.
1. If you use that bowl, you don’t even have to wash it first.
3. You need 3 cups of heavy cream as cold as you can get it without it starting to ice up.
1. Pour the cream in the bowl and whisk it until it looks like whipped cream.
1. You can use the same whisk as used for the pudding mix
1. All prior whisk guidelines are still in effect.
2. Sprinkle 3 tablespoons of granulated or confectioners’ sugar over the soft cream peaks.
1. Whisk to mix uniformly and until you can create a scale model of Everest.
3. Add 3 ounces of Grand Marnier.
1. You bought four mini-bottles but you get to drink the 4th one.
2. Whisk to mix uniformly.
3. Use a spoon to taste it.
1. If it needs more sugar or liquor, repeat steps “ii” or “iii”.
2. If it’s perfect, whisk in your rage.  ‘cause you love Dostoyevski and hate skiing.
6. Layer it.
1. 1” whipped cream bed
2. 1” banana dices
3. 1” pudding
4. 1” banana dices
5. 1” pudding
6. 1” whipped cream

ENJOY!  This is part of a complete breakfast, party, or pregnancy.  Refrigerate until you have to serve or leave for the party.
Don’t forget: You made enough so you have some extra for later!